Book Review: The Search for Luster in Loss
by Blair E. Vandehey
There is a certain self-awareness in the dedication of Zack Grey’s Dear Midnight, which reads in white on a black page, “for those who are still learning to love the dark;” the poetry collection serves as an unfinished record of a man changed by lost love as he begins to adjust his eyes to hidden light that can only be found in the deepest midnights.
Dear Midnight is sectioned off into an introductory poem and three parts: the titular “dear midnight,” followed by “sunrise,” “sunset,” and “midnight.” In the interlude, present-day Grey addresses ‘midnight’ as something that, in spite of its harsh honesty, is something he wants to learn not only to survive through but to thrive in. The version of Grey speaking is one that is already deep down in the dark times but nonetheless looking for light. The poem’s text is white on black paper, a stark contrast to the black-text-white-paper format of the first part, “sunrise,” in which a younger Grey (more carefree or more naive is up to interpretation) celebrates his happiness in finding love. Still, however, just as the black exists in white paper, an impending darkness exists in the bright moments of “sunrise;” even in the first poem, the first words the lover says to him is “ciao,” both hello and goodbye at the same time, but our author decides to revel in that fact rather than acknowledge it as a warning. These glimpses prove their substance when the two dwindle in their love before a complete severance in “sunset,” characterized by black text on gray paper. Finally, “midnight” leaves readers with Grey closer to the present, heartbroken unlike anything he has braved before. However, as he promised in the interlude, there are intimations of light even in these times, such as Grey coming to terms with the fact that just as time always moves forward, he too will someday move on from this yearning, voluntarily or otherwise.
Dear Midnight emphasizes the decay of Grey’s love from a warm embrace to a chokehold with its recurring motifs that similarly lose their rose-colored tints. The string, to choose a single example, starts off as something that the lover frees Grey from with her presence but slowly becomes something she uses to tie him down in the echo chamber of his own mind. Similarly, the helium balloon in “sunrise” allows Grey and his lover their own little weightless world in their love above it all, but soon becomes the escape route the lover uses to slowly disappear from his life, Grey left no choice but to watch her float away. The most recognizable motif, however, is from the final poem of “sunrise,” in which Grey declares to his lover, “you taste like regret / and / i love how / familiar it is.” Come “sunset,” however, Grey backtracks on this sentiment of adoration, his new hesitancy towards love made clear in the crossed-out words of the revisitedpoem, “you taste like regret and i love how familiar it is.” Finally, left with a painful longing for lost love in “midnight,” a mournful pessimism overcomes Grey, apparent in the switched-up wording of the original declaration: “you taste like love / and / i regret how / familiar it is.”
Still, even in ending on this regretful note, Grey’s story does not end when the pages of the collection do. Towards the end of Dear Midnight he has found another girl who temporarily becomes the ‘you’ he addresses, the original ‘you’ character becoming a sidelined ‘her.’ However, Grey still experiences relapses to the first girl, who eventually wins back the title of ‘you.’ This is most evident in the final poem, where he admits, “when it’s all said and done, / you will destroy me / and i’ll ask for more.” Unlike the conclusive endings of so many self-reflective works, Dear Midnight is left off on a dissonant note, with Grey left on a setback in his journey to make peace with midnight. However, while it may appear anticlimactic or unsatisfying, ending on an admission of temporary defeat instead makes the collection’s main message– that healing is a cumulative journey, not a final destination one reaches–appear all the more authentic.
The story of the weighty descent of losing what we hold dearest which laid context for Grey to begin to call his blackest times his ‘dear midnight’ is still a work in progress; it is one Grey will continue to create even after the book has ended until he finally finds his light, be that at a new sunrise or in the stars and fireflies already there.
Blair E. Vandehey is an Appleton-based writer, daydreamer, and lover of all things pop culture. She is currently working towards a degree in Creative Writing and Political Science at Lawrence University.