to be trans in america
by mk zariel
after Etel Adnan’s “To Be In A Time Of War”
To watch the news, to watch a conflict play out on Twitter, to watch paint dry, to close your eyes, to distract yourself, to be tired, to ask every year if you did more for the trans liberationist struggle last year, to join an affinity group, to leave an affinity group, to take a deep breath, to exhale, to doomscroll, to worry about trans kids in Kansas, to laugh at a meme, to feel a little guilty despite yourself. To go for a walk, to see a hateful sticker on a lamppost, to keep a Sharpie in your pocket, to wonder why bigots have so much energy, to send a text, to worry about trans kids in Minneapolis, to put your phone and brain on silent, to stare at the ground, to go home, to climb the stairs, to pace, to still have questions.
To go to an event, to make small talk, to congratulate a very cis dude on his allyship, to wonder why cis men think they deserve a round of applause for walking out the door, to listen to a speaker read aloud, to make a modest donation, to sign up for an email list, to leave, to cry on the bus home, to be stared at, to worry about trans kids in Texas, to blast music over your headphones, to reread an old poem, to tell yourself an elaborate story, to ask questions, to need reassurance, to crash an hour later, to sleep, to wake up at 3am, to invite your friends next time. To ask your friends why they don’t do activist work, to be annoying, to send flyers in the chat group, to read an article, to worry about trans kids in Florida, to make an excuse, to stay home yourself.
To stay busy, to read a classic novel, to join a theater production, to dabble in a hobby, to get food, to forget to eat, to watch uneaten food accumulate and feel bad about yourself, to exaggerate the situation, to ignore everything going on, to forget the past, to attempt to remember, to keep a journal, to make a mixtape, to study, to write an email or a book. To worry about trans kids in Palestine, to stand in solidarity with Palestine, to host a fundraiser, to post it online, to make a poster, to make a GoFundMe, to invite the world, to stand in the empty punk venue, to wonder where the world went while you were worrying about trans kids in the future. To worry about trans kids. To worry about being trans.
